Kagome's Heart Inuyasha's Decision
by starry-eyed-miko
Summary: Forever our hearts will bleed...mine for his, and his for hers. In time, they may mend, but there will always be a scar... A look behind Kagome's smile, and the outcome of Inuyasha's final decision about her and Kikyo.


Tis revising time. YAY!

I never put in a little commentary at the beginning of this, did I? Hmm...where to start now then...

Well, this was and is my first little ficlet that I wrote, and it was writen roughly 3 years ago. It's one of my more cherished pieces, and it won an award on for Best Romantic Poetry, and I can't remember if it was this one or "Let Me Go" that won Best OneShot.

It had been originally entitled "Inuyasha's Choice" (though I like it's new title better) and I had felt inspiration hit one night while thinking how certain people can seem so happy, but no one but them knows what's going on inside. Kagome is always seen as the bouncy, happy character in anime/manga, and Kikyo seems to be the most desolate. But I figured you can't really ignore every wound to your heart, and eventually, behind that smiling mask, it will all come crashing down on you. It's writen in first person, and is rather angsty, for I decided to take Kagome to a new level, and really expose how she's feeling deep down.

And no worries, ensured fluff at the end :p

Well, I'm sure you've had enough of this...I hope you like my story, and PLEASE leave a review:)

**XXXXXXX **

My heart bleeds for reasons unknown.

Why, though? Why, whenever I wish to speak, nothing but a heart wrenched sob emerges? I see him infront of me. He's with her.

She is one of the departed, but is still captivating. For a body of clay and ashes, she is really quite beautiful. What man wouldn't fall for her? And it's in his blood to have a affection for mortals... Only she is no longer a mortal, but a one of the undead. And even though she has not the same body as of fifty years ago, she has the same soul and the same shattered past as the one I long for.

Only he will never feel for me what he feels for her. They have been through too much together, experienced the same pain and briefly shared the same life before their happy lives came crashing down upon them. Fate is cruel. It sends me adrift on the sea of life without backup, without someone by my side.

How am I supposed to survive on this journey when I have no other half? I'm only an empty shell, a pillar to stabilize on when things go out of control. I'm always there for him, no matter what.

That's what makes us so close. He knows I'll never leave him alone in this cruel and bleak world. She left him. She was easily deceived, and easily turned on him. I could never turn on him, I know he'd never hurt me on purpose.

But even though he tries not to hurt me, he still does. And is doing it now. I watch from the shadows as he embraces her and tells her he loves her. I watch her scoff and push him away, taking his love and warm embrace for granted.

I feel his pain, and it becomes unbearable as it adds to my own. A sensation runs through me, but not a pleasant one. I realize that this is the feeling so many demons must have felt when I pierced their flesh with one of my sacred arrows.

My heart pounds harder as a shattering feeling currents through my body. I feel the tears coming, and my eyes ache from the pressure of holding them back. So I run. I run as fast as my legs will carry me, stumbling blindly through the dark brush in the dead of night.

I finally collapse onto the hard, unforgiving earth, alone and broken. My body is shuddering violently, and I instinctively curl into a little ball of protection. The form resolving going back to the state of childhood.

This fact being one of the scarce things I learned in my brief appearances at school.

I begin remember my childhood, and it seems like an eternity ago. The days where I lived off of laughter, and happiness was a with me on a day to day basis. Always smiling, my heart was free then. Free and full. Now it has been emptied, its contents given to one who already belongs to another.

I spend my days and nights fighting and taking each new step with the one I love. I should be joyful that I am allowed to stay by his side, but I'm not. For I know that no matter how many battles we fight, and how much blood is shed, he will always think the same of me; as a dear friend.

I'd rather die than live my life alone, living in the shadow of the one I have been reincarnated from. How can it be, that she and I are so alike, and yet he will always love her over me, even though she has hurt him so deeply, whereas I am always by his side?

It hurts so bad, even though I should be happy that I get to glimpse him at all, let alone be one of his comrades.

I guess I have been bestowed a wondrous gift, the ability to travel between two of the dimensions of time. But if I would have known back then how it all would end, how my heart would pine and shatter, then I would of cast this gift aside and ignore it like a curse.

Forever our hearts will bleed; mine for his, and his for hers. In time, they may mend, but there will always be a scar. I know that I will love him until I take my last breath, and will remember and pine over the sad memory of his untenanted love forevermore in my afterlife.

My tears begin to slow and stop, as I let my mind wander over all the memories we've shared. His silver hair, and golden eyes.

Those eyes...full of anger, hurt, and betrayal. They were once hard eyes, cold eyes, but they, like his heart, have slowly softened and melted. Started to heal, to learn to trust and love once again.

But that scar will forever remain. I have accepted that it is impossible for him to stop loving her, to never turn his golden gaze upon me, and finally see everything in my heart.

That he will forever remember his moments of happiness before the world wronged him forever, that he will always feel guilty and indebted to my incarnate for the loss of her life over his.

Deep down, he's so caring and gentle. That's one of the many things I love about him. A knight in his armour, protecting and shielding his soft and affectionate heart.

I hear a crackling noise behind me, bringing my thoughts back to the forest floor on which I lay on, unprotected and vulnerable. I sit up, fear parallelizing my trembling body.

Out thrusts a clawed hand, attached to a red robed arm. I immediately recognize the Cloth of the Fire Rat, for I have seen it and those sharp claws oh so many times before.

I relax, then tense up again. I don't want him to see me right now, not like this. I don't want to hear what he needs to tell me, don't want my heart to hurt anymore than the unbearable pain I feel already.

I try to give my heart's one and only desire a weak smile as he fully unveils himself from behind the shrubbery. He looks surprised to see me on the ground, with my school uniform in tatters from the scratchy arms of the trees and brambles, face soaked and smeared with dirt and tears.

He walks to my side, eyes never leaving my tear-stained face and he sits down next to me. His eyes fill with guilt and sadness, and something else. I ponder over what else his eyes hold. It's so familiar, and yet I can't quite recall...

Before my watery eyes can analyse his look, his strong arms wrap around me and take me into his lap. My face grows hot as I lay my head on his chest, trying to capture every last moment I spend with him before he tells me what my bleeding heart already knows, and I go home to my own era for good.

"Kagome, do you know why Kikyo won't take me back? Why she won't accept my love?" his voice is soft and gentle as he rests him head ontop mine.

I thought my tear ducts had dried, but once again my world blurs as I feel them fill with the liquid form of human emotion.

My heart pounds wildly in my chest, ready to burst the second he next opens his lips. Those lips that I yearn for just a taste of, the ones that are seemingly always in a smirk or frown.

A tear spills over and glides slowly down my cheek. He turns me in his arms to face him, and gently wipes at my now overflowing tears with his rough and calloused thumbs. Yet his touch his gentle, and I blush as a shudder runs through me as we make contact.

I no longer want to hear his voice. The pain is destroying me, and I know I will die after his next words are spoken.

He takes a deep breath, and I feebly attempt to brace myself, though knowing that anything I try to do to bring any form of ease or relief to my already demolished heart is in vain.

"She knows that even though I say I love her, that it's not really true. It just always seemed so natural for me to say it without thought, like a reflex. But it's a reflex of the past, and she told me to think about what's inside of me now. So I let my mind wander, and it brought back memories of me and Kikyo. But then I realized that every memory I had with Kikyo was soon replaced by about ten memories I have of you."

I look deep into his eyes. I feel another sensation run through me as I hear these words. Maybe all hope isn't lost, maybe I still have a chance afterall...

"And as my thoughts came back to Kikyo, standing there in the moonlight, waiting for my response, I've learnt that I've grown to love you too, and she knew this. So I had to make a choice."

All feelings of hope vanquish, and my heart starts to bleed once again. I let out any tiny sob, and bury my face into his chest. He gently pushes me back, determined to look into my watery eyes once again.

"And even though I could never stop loving Kikyo, I've discovered that no matter what, I could never stop loving you either. I can live without Kikyo, I've managed before." His arms pull me a little closer, are noses now touching. I scarcely breathe as his next words are spoken. "But I know that I can't manage, can't live, without _you_."

The tears still flow, but now not from an empty heart, but a full one. One that's completed and full of happiness and hope for the future.

Brushing back my matted hair, his face looms closer and I feel warmth on my lips. The endless winter of my world lifts, and spring blossoms with full force. My soul rejoices, and my heart sings.

I kiss him back, letting every ounce of my passion and lust for him into my lips and onto my tongue. Kissing me back with the same amount of desire, I feel true happiness as my insides somersault.

Maybe fate isn't so cruel afterall.


End file.
